It’s the start of the new year, and wishing best wishes to all of you reading this post. I hope that your 2019 will be epic. I’ve had a few weeks off from work. Lots of time to laze around, read, sleep, eat, enjoy summer, enjoy family, enjoy friends. Lots to time to think. It’s been good. I did however, have an epiphany:
- I am too blooming controlling. Seriously, I am out of control in the ‘control’ department. I need to be in control 24/7. I’ll do anything and everything to keep things on track, no mistakes, no room for error here. Nobody should want for anything. I’m the safety net. I’m the ‘get things done’ girl. And not just get it done, but get it done smoothly, peacefully, with no drama. Sticking to the plan, and having a plan B, C and D. Now don’t get me wrong, that has served me well in the past and there are many, many great things that have come from that; but honestly – it’s exhausting. And after 46 years of always getting things done, I think I’ve had enough. After having a bit of an outburst with certain loved one’s who can deal with it (who can deal with me); I acknowledged that I am the problem. I do not need to have everything under control all the time. Nobody expects that of me. Only me. Nope, I can let loose, have fun, be spontaneous, have a pajama day once in a while, watch 4 movies in one day, eat sugar, drink a little too much, stay up a little too late, and so forth. Importantly, I can ask people to do their share, and I can not step in when they don’t.
- Where does this come from? This outrageous need to be perfect, and in control? Partly personality type. Partly environmental. And partly historical – because I know it works. It is certainly not realistic to change personality completely, and that’s only likely to cause more stress. However, it is possible to start aligning to a new way of being. I need to feed the beast you see – I need to have a schedule, a plan. However, that plan can include things like ‘One Pajama day a month’. I don’t need to go to gym 5 times a week. I can in fact walk my dogs or swim in my pool twice a week, and go to gym 3 times a week. Imagine that?!
- Part of the epiphany that I have had was about my need to never mess up. Never make mistakes. Well quite frankly – that is just ridiculous. It is 100% guaranteed that I will make mistakes, and that I will learn from them. It’s even better if I can admit to having made mistakes, and show myself as being human to my loved ones. That makes others feel that it’s okay for them mess up around me too. I’ve realised that this completely insane need to have it all together has been making my relationships with others impossibly difficult.
- And so, with determination and courage, I’ve decided that ‘hence forth’ there will be no more denial, no more faking it, and no more judging myself when I make mistakes. I am going to treat myself as I would one my children when I make a mistake – with understanding and with love.
2019 is either going to be a monumental breakthrough for me, or it’s likely to be a huge ‘balls up’. I guess we’ll just have to see how it goes…either way – here we go!